Dating Violence..... My story
February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month and this is my story of survival.......He was 6’2 and looked like he belonged on the walls of Abercrombie and Fitch with his wavy espresso colored hair, milk chocolate eyes, and rock-hard abs. He was affectionate, funny, smart, quick-witted, and dating me! For two years I was part of the “perfect high school couple.” You know, the kind they use to sell shampoo, teeth whitening strips, zit cream--anything that will make life as a teen better than it, supposedly, already is. The truth, however, was far different than the picture we were selling. In reality, my picture-perfect boyfriend was mean, demanding, abusive, and no one knew. Not even me, at least not until years later when I learned what dating violence was.
Dating violence, or relationship abuse, is defined as a pattern of abusive behavior used against a girlfriend or boyfriend. It can be physical, such as hitting or kicking, verbal or emotional, including constant insults (as well as those via cell phone, instant messaging, and social networking sites), name calling, put downs, and isolation from friends and family. Abuse can also be sexual, which includes being constantly pressured to do things you aren’t ready for or don’t want to do. It can happen to anyone, at any age, and is not limited to any specific race, religion, economic level, or sexual orientation. It has long-lasting effects, can lead to bodily injury or even death, and should never be tolerated in any form.
Although hair pulling was a favorite attention-grabbing tactic of “Abercrombie boy,” dating violence for me came mainly in the form of verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. This happened to me many years ago, but his tactics were the equivalent of those used today. He didn’t text me; he called every night, often times several times a night. I didn’t send picture messages of my outfits for approval, but was repeatedly told to change when he arrived at my house. This happened so often that I had a special wardrobe of five “approved” outfits I wore just for him when we went out, so I could avoid a fight. He didn’t stalk my Facebook page--he tore through my room piece by piece when I wasn’t home and interrogated me about everything he found. I wasn’t allowed to have friends he didn’t know personally and approved of. I wasn’t allowed to go places, including work, without him. He would sit for hours while I waited tables and watch to be certain I didn’t linger too long at any one table. He pushed me to do things sexually that I didn’t want and wasn’t ready to do, and would yell at me, pull my hair, and belittle me when I said no.
My parents and friends had no idea what was going on, and I never said a word. Looking back, I remember thinking his behaviors were “weird,” “crazy,” “psycho,” and even terrifying, yet I still made excuse after excuse for him. I believed he stayed at work with me because he loved me and wanted to spend all the time he could with me--even if it was only a ten-minute break. I told myself he made me change my clothes because he was proud of me and wanted me to look my best when we went out. I thought he missed me, and that was why he called every day and got upset if I wasn’t there. I believed him when he said he pulled my hair so I’d pay attention, and that if I was a better listener, he wouldn’t need to do that. He always apologized when he hurt me: said he didn’t mean it, that he’d “never intentionally hurt me.” I was convinced he was caring, romantic, and loving. In reality, he was mean, hurtful, and used his wit and words as a way to control me and “put me in my place.”
The abuse started when I was seventeen years old, and continued until I was almost nineteen. During that time I went from a self-confident, opinionated, impassioned young woman to a withdrawn, isolated girl who was unable to look anyone in the eye. It wasn’t until many years later, as I was reading an article on Teen Dating Violence, that I realized I had been a victim of dating violence.
The sudden understanding of what had happened to me made me want to throw up, and left me reeling with disbelief. I couldn’t be a victim of abuse! I was a good girl, who went to a safe school, made good grades, and lived with both parents in a nice neighborhood. There was no way I could have been raped; rape could only be committed by a stranger, or if someone attacked me at a party. I wondered, “How could I be a victim and not know it?” Then awareness hit me like a bird hits a window, and I realized that dating abuse had never been discussed anywhere, ever, that I could recall: not in a classroom, not at an assembly, not even at the supper table. No one had ever mentioned it. And I got angry. Wasn’t it the job of my teachers, parents, and friends to protect me or at least inform me? Yes, but they could only give me the information they had, and, at that time, no one was discussing abuse, let alone dating abuse. After a pint of ice cream and a good sob fest, I reconciled myself to the fact that, although they might not have been able to help me then, that didn’t mean I couldn’t do something to help others now. Newly armed with information, I became determined to tell my story. I decided I could let others know they aren’t alone. I wanted to help others learn to recognize the signs and know the facts so that others might be better protected than I had been, or at least more well informed.
So what should I have done had I known the warning signs and realized I was in an unhealthy and dangerous relationship? First, I should have trusted myself. I have learned that if my gut is telling me there is danger, there probably is.
Second, I should have told someone, a friend, parent, teacher, or counselor, about the threats he made, as well as about the uncertainly and fear I was feeling. They could have given me the help and support I needed. Third, I should have constructed a plan of escape and had a safety net in place for when the relationship was over. I assumed that once I ended the relationship that would be it, that it would be over and the threat of violence would be gone. I was very much mistaken. Statics show that the period of time after a relationship ends can be the most dangerous. After I ended the relationship, Abercrombie Boy showed up at my house on several occasions. He was irrationally angry and threatening. I knew that if I were alone with him, the ramifications would be severe. For the first time, I trusted my instincts and refused to open the door. He kicked and pounded on the door. He screamed that he’d be back. I knew his threats were real. I knew there was safety in numbers so I avoided situations that left me isolated. I stuck close to friends at parties, and never walked home from school or anywhere else alone. His response was to leave nasty messages on my voice mail and send hateful emails. Now I know I should have saved those.
Despite the years that have passed, “Abercrombie Boy” has contacted me via Facebook and MySpace. The shock, pain, hurt, and fear hit me hard and I was unsure what to do. Thankfully, there are a variety of resources available with information for victims and survivors. I visited the Loveisrespect.org web site and learned that the best action I could take was to “block” him entirely and set my profiles to private. I also asked my friends and family to do the same. I expected them to ask questions I wouldn’t be prepared to answer, but they continue to be supportive of anything I need to do to be healthy and continue moving forward.
I have learned a lot about relationship violence since “Abercrombie Boy”, but there are things I wish I had known then that I know now: things that you should know if you, a friend or your child is living in an abusive relationship. First, know that you are not alone and that help is available to you. Speak up and tell someone. Because I thought everything was my fault and that I had to deal with everything alone, I didn’t tell anyone what had happened even after I broke up with him. I should have. There were resources I wasn’t aware of, and even better ones out there now. A variety of web sites like Love is respect, Love is not abuse, Thats not cool, Break the Cycle and The Safe Place have been created all to help educate teens, parents and teachers and to help victims find help.
Second, know that it is normal to miss this person and to contemplate going back to the relationship. This may happen numerous times and that’s okay. This person has been a HUGE part of your life. You likely love them, missing them is a normal response to that. When that happens, because I assure you it will, find someone to talk to. Call a friend, talk to a counselor, or call a hotline number. The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (866-331-9474) has been set up to help provide local resources for you and those that love you and is open 24/7.
There are people waiting to listen to the conflicted emotions you are dealing with.
Finally, know that healing takes time. Even after you get out of an abusive relationship, you will likely never feel the way you did before the abuse began. You may feel like you will never be who you were before, but know that that is okay, too. By being a survivor, you can be better and stronger than you ever imagined you could be.
It’s been years since I broke up with “Abercrombie Boy”, and I’d be lying if I said it was easy. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I was certain I was throwing away perfection, but I knew I couldn’t keep feeling like I was a failure in everything I did. I couldn’t continue being pressured into things that put me at risk for disease and pregnancy. Most of all, I could not keep smiling in the pictures knowing that I was living a lie.
Leaving was unbelievably difficult, especially at the age of nineteen, but I’m certain it allowed me to have a future of my own choosing, filled with love and support from my amazing husband of almost 15 years. It has allowed me to raise 4 wonderful children without continuing the cycle of abuse in their lives. It has allowed me to pursue my education, obtain my associates degree and continue working towards my bachelor’s degree. Most of all, it helped me find the courage to reach out to others through my public speaking, volunteer and advocacy work and show others that there is life beyond abuse.
What will finding freedom allow you to do?
Dating violence, or relationship abuse, is defined as a pattern of abusive behavior used against a girlfriend or boyfriend. It can be physical, such as hitting or kicking, verbal or emotional, including constant insults (as well as those via cell phone, instant messaging, and social networking sites), name calling, put downs, and isolation from friends and family. Abuse can also be sexual, which includes being constantly pressured to do things you aren’t ready for or don’t want to do. It can happen to anyone, at any age, and is not limited to any specific race, religion, economic level, or sexual orientation. It has long-lasting effects, can lead to bodily injury or even death, and should never be tolerated in any form.
Although hair pulling was a favorite attention-grabbing tactic of “Abercrombie boy,” dating violence for me came mainly in the form of verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. This happened to me many years ago, but his tactics were the equivalent of those used today. He didn’t text me; he called every night, often times several times a night. I didn’t send picture messages of my outfits for approval, but was repeatedly told to change when he arrived at my house. This happened so often that I had a special wardrobe of five “approved” outfits I wore just for him when we went out, so I could avoid a fight. He didn’t stalk my Facebook page--he tore through my room piece by piece when I wasn’t home and interrogated me about everything he found. I wasn’t allowed to have friends he didn’t know personally and approved of. I wasn’t allowed to go places, including work, without him. He would sit for hours while I waited tables and watch to be certain I didn’t linger too long at any one table. He pushed me to do things sexually that I didn’t want and wasn’t ready to do, and would yell at me, pull my hair, and belittle me when I said no.
My parents and friends had no idea what was going on, and I never said a word. Looking back, I remember thinking his behaviors were “weird,” “crazy,” “psycho,” and even terrifying, yet I still made excuse after excuse for him. I believed he stayed at work with me because he loved me and wanted to spend all the time he could with me--even if it was only a ten-minute break. I told myself he made me change my clothes because he was proud of me and wanted me to look my best when we went out. I thought he missed me, and that was why he called every day and got upset if I wasn’t there. I believed him when he said he pulled my hair so I’d pay attention, and that if I was a better listener, he wouldn’t need to do that. He always apologized when he hurt me: said he didn’t mean it, that he’d “never intentionally hurt me.” I was convinced he was caring, romantic, and loving. In reality, he was mean, hurtful, and used his wit and words as a way to control me and “put me in my place.”
The abuse started when I was seventeen years old, and continued until I was almost nineteen. During that time I went from a self-confident, opinionated, impassioned young woman to a withdrawn, isolated girl who was unable to look anyone in the eye. It wasn’t until many years later, as I was reading an article on Teen Dating Violence, that I realized I had been a victim of dating violence.
The sudden understanding of what had happened to me made me want to throw up, and left me reeling with disbelief. I couldn’t be a victim of abuse! I was a good girl, who went to a safe school, made good grades, and lived with both parents in a nice neighborhood. There was no way I could have been raped; rape could only be committed by a stranger, or if someone attacked me at a party. I wondered, “How could I be a victim and not know it?” Then awareness hit me like a bird hits a window, and I realized that dating abuse had never been discussed anywhere, ever, that I could recall: not in a classroom, not at an assembly, not even at the supper table. No one had ever mentioned it. And I got angry. Wasn’t it the job of my teachers, parents, and friends to protect me or at least inform me? Yes, but they could only give me the information they had, and, at that time, no one was discussing abuse, let alone dating abuse. After a pint of ice cream and a good sob fest, I reconciled myself to the fact that, although they might not have been able to help me then, that didn’t mean I couldn’t do something to help others now. Newly armed with information, I became determined to tell my story. I decided I could let others know they aren’t alone. I wanted to help others learn to recognize the signs and know the facts so that others might be better protected than I had been, or at least more well informed.
So what should I have done had I known the warning signs and realized I was in an unhealthy and dangerous relationship? First, I should have trusted myself. I have learned that if my gut is telling me there is danger, there probably is.
Second, I should have told someone, a friend, parent, teacher, or counselor, about the threats he made, as well as about the uncertainly and fear I was feeling. They could have given me the help and support I needed. Third, I should have constructed a plan of escape and had a safety net in place for when the relationship was over. I assumed that once I ended the relationship that would be it, that it would be over and the threat of violence would be gone. I was very much mistaken. Statics show that the period of time after a relationship ends can be the most dangerous. After I ended the relationship, Abercrombie Boy showed up at my house on several occasions. He was irrationally angry and threatening. I knew that if I were alone with him, the ramifications would be severe. For the first time, I trusted my instincts and refused to open the door. He kicked and pounded on the door. He screamed that he’d be back. I knew his threats were real. I knew there was safety in numbers so I avoided situations that left me isolated. I stuck close to friends at parties, and never walked home from school or anywhere else alone. His response was to leave nasty messages on my voice mail and send hateful emails. Now I know I should have saved those.
Despite the years that have passed, “Abercrombie Boy” has contacted me via Facebook and MySpace. The shock, pain, hurt, and fear hit me hard and I was unsure what to do. Thankfully, there are a variety of resources available with information for victims and survivors. I visited the Loveisrespect.org web site and learned that the best action I could take was to “block” him entirely and set my profiles to private. I also asked my friends and family to do the same. I expected them to ask questions I wouldn’t be prepared to answer, but they continue to be supportive of anything I need to do to be healthy and continue moving forward.
I have learned a lot about relationship violence since “Abercrombie Boy”, but there are things I wish I had known then that I know now: things that you should know if you, a friend or your child is living in an abusive relationship. First, know that you are not alone and that help is available to you. Speak up and tell someone. Because I thought everything was my fault and that I had to deal with everything alone, I didn’t tell anyone what had happened even after I broke up with him. I should have. There were resources I wasn’t aware of, and even better ones out there now. A variety of web sites like Love is respect, Love is not abuse, Thats not cool, Break the Cycle and The Safe Place have been created all to help educate teens, parents and teachers and to help victims find help.
Second, know that it is normal to miss this person and to contemplate going back to the relationship. This may happen numerous times and that’s okay. This person has been a HUGE part of your life. You likely love them, missing them is a normal response to that. When that happens, because I assure you it will, find someone to talk to. Call a friend, talk to a counselor, or call a hotline number. The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (866-331-9474) has been set up to help provide local resources for you and those that love you and is open 24/7.
There are people waiting to listen to the conflicted emotions you are dealing with.
Finally, know that healing takes time. Even after you get out of an abusive relationship, you will likely never feel the way you did before the abuse began. You may feel like you will never be who you were before, but know that that is okay, too. By being a survivor, you can be better and stronger than you ever imagined you could be.
It’s been years since I broke up with “Abercrombie Boy”, and I’d be lying if I said it was easy. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I was certain I was throwing away perfection, but I knew I couldn’t keep feeling like I was a failure in everything I did. I couldn’t continue being pressured into things that put me at risk for disease and pregnancy. Most of all, I could not keep smiling in the pictures knowing that I was living a lie.
Leaving was unbelievably difficult, especially at the age of nineteen, but I’m certain it allowed me to have a future of my own choosing, filled with love and support from my amazing husband of almost 15 years. It has allowed me to raise 4 wonderful children without continuing the cycle of abuse in their lives. It has allowed me to pursue my education, obtain my associates degree and continue working towards my bachelor’s degree. Most of all, it helped me find the courage to reach out to others through my public speaking, volunteer and advocacy work and show others that there is life beyond abuse.
What will finding freedom allow you to do?
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