Victims' Voices:

Empowering Victims of Relationship Violence

WONDERFUL progress in Lousianna! Louisiana recently passed HB 46 sponsored by Rep. Nita Hutter, a member of the National Foundation of Women Legislators (NFWL), which requires teen dating violence education in grades 7-12 in the health curriculum. The law was passed as a collaborative effort as Rep. Hutter worked with Love Is Not Abuse Coalition member Louisiana Appleseed, a non-profit organization made up of pro bono lawyers that supports social change. The Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Louisiana Dept. of Education also supported passage of this law. Passage of a law is the first and perhaps the most important step toward prevention through education. But the work does not end there. Proper implementation of such a law is not always easy and requires much planning and work to make it successful. Although not required by law, Louisiana quickly recognized the need for teacher training on the topic of teen dating violence and training on how to teach the topic, as...

In the world of Rape and Abuse Advocacy it is rare to see the "fruit of your labors" whether it is a late night hot line call, a weekend hospital trip, an article written or a speech given more often then not you never see the end results of the work you. Because of the nature of our work it is not uncommon to never have contact with an individual who's phone call you take on the hot line or who's hand you hold at the hospital. It is even more rare that you will ever know who was moved to action by an article you've written or a speech you given. Still you go about doing it praying that some good is coming of it and that changes are being made. Because of the nature of our justice system even if you are helping a victim from start to finish through the legal process it is highly unlikely that justice will be received. More often then not plea bargains are made, charges are dropped or changed and the victim is left questioning whether it was even worth reporting. A...

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and typically I spend the month updating my blog with a huge volume of information to help raise awareness and to get resources into the hands of as many people as possible. This year, however, I took a different approach. Since this blog is fairly new and doesn't have as many followers as my facebook page has friends I decided to take my awareness efforts to facebook. Almost everyday in the month of October I updated my status with statics about domestic violence and my page with links to web pages for helps and information about events going on in a variety of areas. The response was great! People responded to what was posted by contacting me for more information, sharing their stories and asking for links to pass on to others. In sort it did exactly what I'd hoped it would do, it furthered the dialogue that was going on on a national level. October is a great month in that the awareness level is heightened, events take place and ...

I apologize that it has taken me 2 weeks to get this posted but I've been fighting a nasty cold/flu thing for 2 weeks and being upright was simply not an option. On Monday September 13, 2010 I had the opportunity to present the Love is Not Abuse (LINA) Dating Violence Curriculum to the 10th grade Honors English Classes. It was the first time the curriculum has been presented in Ohio and one of the first to present the revised edition, which includes information on digital dating abuse, in the nation. All of which was very exciting and nerve wracking. Some might think the idea of talking dating abuse with 100 teenagers would be the most difficult part but that wasn't the case, the most difficult part was not presenting the material as much as it was condensing the material. The curriculum is set up to be 4 to 5, 50 minute classes covering all aspects of Dating Violence. It covers what it is, the warning signs , helps for victims and abusers and has 2 classes on digital dating v...

Dr. Phil McGraw from the Dr. Phil show will announce an exciting new parternship with the National Network to End Domestic Violence on his show today, Monday, September 13. It will be the premiere of Dr. Phil's 9th season, throughout which he will be on a mission to end the silence on domestic violence! NNEDV's president, Sue Else, will appear on the show as an expert on domestic violence. To watch, check your local listing at http://www.drphil.com/shows/listing/ .

Since its inception I have fought the twitter bug. I didn't have time of another technological advance to take up time and energy in my life. Today, however, I joined the millions of other people in the world that are updating the universe as to their comings and going via twitter... well kind of. The Victims' Voices at least will be updating the world with information and resources via twitter. After a long conversation with a very dear friend I realized it is just another way to get information on relationship violence into the hands of those that need it and so starting today you can follow The Victims' Voices on Twitter . Add me as a friend and you will be able to find information on where I'm speaking, what I'm doing and where to get more information to help those dealing with abuse in their lives. All in all a win win for everyone don't you think? Hope you see you there!

Let me start by saying I am NOT an Eminem fan. I find him vulgar, jarring and although he is not afraid to tackle tough topics I find his use of foul language and shock tactics in his songs and videos unnecessary. His latest song is no different in those respects. Love the way you lie tackles the topic of Domestic Violence head on and he peppers the " song " (I use the term loosely) with the F word at least 3 times. All that being said I felt it needed to be discussed especially after reading this article on the Washington Post. Where they state "The debate has begun: Is the song a treatise against (or apology for) domestic violence or an irresponsible glorification of it? Or, is it something uncomfortable in between? And how to explain the role of Rihanna, who has said that she aims to help young people learn the lessons of her ordeal?" Personally I think it has the potential to be both. The reality is this video will do one of 2 things it will either desensitize...

Today I received the following email from The National Network to End Domestic Violence : " SENATE APPROPRIATORS PASS 8% INCREASE FOR SHELTER FUNDING! FVPSA RECEIVES $140 MILLION IN SENATE LHHS APPROPRIATIONS BILL!" More Info "On July 29, 2010, the U.S. Senate Appropriations Committee passed the Labor, Health and Human Services (LHHS) funding bill which funds the Family Violence Prevention and Services Act (FVPSA), the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the Rape Prevention and Education Programs and other violence against women programs. Thanks to the many phone calls and emails, they included $140 million in funding for FVPSA - a $10 million increase over FY '10 funding! In addition, last week the U.S. Senate Appropriations Committee passed their Commerce, Justice, Science (CJS) Appropriations bill with increases to important Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) and the Victims of Crime Act (VOCA) programs. This is a tough budget year and these bills contain many imp...

I received the following email from the MADE organization today: Dear MADE Members, As part of the Love Is Not Abuse initiative, we are always looking to partner up with high school students and young survivors of teen dating abuse for our Teen Task Force. In the wake of the recent tragedy at the University of Virginia, we have been reaching out to colleges and universities across the country in an effort to educate and stop dating violence on their campuses. As part of this outreach to colleges and universities, we’d like to start expanding the Teen Task Force beyond teens to be able to include college students. Our goal is to work with teens and young adults who can speak about the need for dating abuse education and can comment on what they see in relationships among their peers, when needed. If you know a high school or college student (or both!) who you think is interested in joining the Task Force, please contact us at made@liz.com. Sincerely, Jane Randel SVP, Corporate Communic...

Today I received the following email asking for help for the Fargo YWCA: Dear Friend of the YWCA, Today I write to inform you that we are over capacity at our emergency shelter for women and children. As you know, the YWCA Emergency Shelter has a capacity for 65 women and children. We are currently providing a safe haven to 40 women and 43 children. By serving 83 women and children, we have set a new record for the highest number served at our shelter at one time. We exceed capacity only to provide safe shelter for those escaping domestic violence situations. Over 67% of the women and children calling the shelter home today sought shelter because of domestic violence. Summertime is historically a “busy” time at the YWCA Emergency Shelter. Looking over the past five years, the summer months are often a time when more women and children seek services of the YWCA. This is surprising to people, as they often think the harsh winter months would be more demanding. The YWCA is unique. We serv...

As many of my regular readers know we moved from North Dakota to Ohio this year and with it my work with relationship violence moved too. Although it is taking me a while to get involved with local organizations in the area, I have discovered my work with National Organizations like Love is not abuse and MADE have opened dialogues in some of the most unexpected places; facebook, myspace, church. People have been coming to me sharing their stories. Barb, Jen, Emma, Sharon these are just some of the women that have come forward and shared their personal or family abuse experiences. Experiences that range from personal escape stories, to loved ones looking for resources to help a loved one find the courage and means of escape, to parents using resources to teaching their children that abuse and violence of any kind are not acceptable. Stories as varied and as real as a the women who lived them and another reminder that the statistics are real. Every 15 seconds someone is abused*, 1 in ...

This week is the 4th of July. A time for baseball games, BBQs, watermelon, picnics, summertime, laughter. The stuff memories and really great commericals are made of. Like many things it is bitter sweet for me. It is another anniversary, one I would rather had never happened. I'm not much into sports. I was a cheerleader and I was good at it and I can hold my own at tennis but those sports where balls are constantly flying at your head while you try to swing, kick or dodge them have never appealed to me. Baseball is no exception. The concept of standing in one place with a rather small piece of wood in your hands as someone hurls a ball toward you and you try to keep it from hitting you by swinging the aforementioned stick is not something I understand. I realize it is "America's pass-time" but it makes me question America's sanity. Given my feelings on the game it probably doesn't surprise you to learn I've never been hit by a baseball. Despite my having ...

Today would have been my sixteen year wedding anniversary with my ex-husband. It's kind of crazy to think that sixteen years ago at the age of eighteen I said I do to a man who promised to among other things love, honor and cherish me until death do us part. Unbeknownst to me he also promised to belittle, berate, humiliate and hurt me. He promised to push me around, pull my hair, order me about, rape me and leave me battered, bruised and scarred. Who knew a wedding cake could be so bitter? and that the gifts received would be anxiety, insecurity and fear? But this year I am celebrating. I am celebrating milestones and looking back grateful for what I have learned and for the opportunities I've been give to share it and this year I did it by working to help other victims. I was contacted a couple weeks ago to participate in a domestic violence discussion group and couldn't help but be struck by the timing. What better way could there be to continue moving forward and celebra...

I like to celebrate. Birthdays, anniversaries, milestones of all kinds. If there is a reason to make and eat cake I believe it should be done but there is one anniversary/milestone that is fast approaching that I always struggle with. In less then a month, June 25 to be exact, the 16th anniversary of my first marriage will be upon me. I know many would look on this day with anger, heartache and pain and I'd be lying if I said those feeling never cross my heart and mind. But I'd also be lying if I didn't admit that feelings of relief, love and gratitude cross my mind and heart as well. It is the latter feelings that have been dancing in my mind as of late. It started a couple weeks ago when someone asked me if I regretted marrying my ex-husband. Mr. Boy had just celebrated his 15 birthday and I was reflecting on what a blessing he is in our lives. His humor, his candor and his laugh are just a few of the things I sincerely love about him and I couldn't help but wonder if...

I have been blessed to work with the amazing team at on the Minds of Moms Magazine on and off for the last year. They work hard to provide entertaining and relevant information on parenting. The approach parenthood as the hardest and most wonderful job we will ever have. As I blogged about in an earlier post I had the opportunity to write an article on Teen Dating Violence for their newest issue which they were kind enough to feature on their latest blog . I have been blessed over and over again to use my experiences to help others. The reality is I wish my words, my story, my example weren't needed. Dating should be one of the happiest and most exciting times in life. Instead it is a time of fear and secrets for many. Dating Violence is a topic that parents like to think will never touch their children. The reality is that 1 in 5 teens reports having been involved in a abusive relationship and that makes them 73% more likely to be involved in a domestically violent relationship ...

I don't typically toot my own horn but I must admit I was pretty excited when the latest issue of the MADE state action leader newsletter came out and they included information about my article in the current issue of On The Minds of Moms . See for yourself: Dear MADE State Action Leaders, Our MADE State Action Leaders, members and local partners have jumped into a new year full of energy, and more committed than ever to increasing support for, and membership to MADE. In this week’s update we wanted to announce our new Facebook fan page and highlight some recent news from our MADE community. Become a Fan of Love Is Not Abuse and MADE on Facebook To help capitalize on our growing number of members to the MADE cause page on Facebook, we recently launched a new Love Is Not Abuse and MADE fan page on the social networking Web site. Fans will be able to post messages to the page, suggest their friends become fans, check out photos from events like last year’s It’s Time to Talk Day and ...

Today's Oprah is titled Staying Alive and will share with us the story of Teri, a domestic abuse survivor who left and was still nearly killed by her ex-husband.: "Teri thought the abuse was over after she left her husband. Then, he did the unthinkable. Teri and security expert Gavin de Becker on the lessons you can learn from her story." *This entire article and photos are taken from Oprah.com A Mother's Fight for Life The Oprah Winfrey Show April 27, 2010 Think about the women in your life. Now, think about who they're in a relationship with. Is that person capable of hurting someone you love dearly? World-renowned security expert Gavin de Becker says you don't need a weapon to protect your loved ones—or yourself—from violence. You just need to open your eyes. Take Gavin's assessment to help determine if your loved one is at risk. The Gift of Fear author has advised everyone from the CIA to presidents and world leaders about staying safe. Now, he has ...

As many of you know I was featured in an AMAZING little magazine called On the Minds of Moms just over a year ago. I was honored to be featured by them but most of all I feel blessed to be a part of their "family". Just a couple months before we moved to Ohio they asked me to write an article on Teen Dating Violence for the winter issue. I was excited to again be apart of this publication but due to a crazy move and life in general had to delay getting the article to them. Once we got settled Dani asked me if I would still be willing to contribute to the magazine. Naturally I said yes and am now THRILLED to announce that my article is on stands across Fargo-Moorhead in the April-May issue of the minds of moms. Because I know many of you don't subscribe (you should fix that) I thought I'd upload it here in case you'd like to pursue it. (You'll need to click each image to enlarge it for reading.) Thank you Dani & Sheri for giving me my first by line but mos...

This article was taken from the Huffington Post and shows why Dating violence awareness and curriculum is way pass due in our schools. When a Girl Dies Madeline Wheeler Abuse prevention advocate, Playwright Posted: March 22, 2010 01:42 PM If a 19-year-old girl had brutally stabbed her 19-year-old boyfriend to death, it would be national, front page news. But when girl is murdered, it can simply fall by the wayside. Should we be expected to acknowledge the 579 girls and young women murdered annually in America? I think so. Allison Myrick of Groton, Mass., a Fitchburg State College freshman, was brutally murdered by Robert Gulla, her abusive boyfriend, on January 23, just days after filing a restraining order against him. Massachusetts, along with much of the nation, is still reeling from the tragic suicide of bullying victim Phoebe Prince , but have we become so callous as to not be touched by this domestic violence death as well? The weekend that Allison was murdered, I was preparing...

The Joyful Heart foundation is an organization that helps Survivors of Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault and Child Abuse. It was start by Mariska Hargitay who plays Detective Olivia Benson on Law and Order SVU. "The mission of the Joyful Heart Foundation is to heal, educate and empower survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse and to shed light into the darkness that surrounds these issues." * from the Joyful Heart Foundation's website They do this using a variety of methods including awareness activities, survivor retreats, fundraisers, a monthly e-zine and a variety of other ways. Recently they were nominated for the Pepsi Refresh Everything Grant and they won!! They will be awarded $250,000 grant to help further help victims and are planning to use it to help produce 3 issues of Reunion magazine. A magazine devoted to helping victims so they can become survivors and eventually heroes of their own stories! WAY TO GO JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION !!!!! ...

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence: Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss." Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior. "Normal" behavior – Your abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep you in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give you hope that your abusive partner has really changed this time. "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope t...

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you. Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power: Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession. Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel...

The National Network to End Domestic Violence is excited to announce that we will be hosting the 2nd World Conference of Women's Shelters, an initiative of the Global Network of Women's Shelters. The conference will be held in two years on March 19-22, 2012 in Washington, DC. The conference will bring together grassroots activists and advocates working to end violence against women in safe spaces. At this conference, delegates will receive tangible tools and knowledge from other activists as well as collaborate with women from all over the world. Come and join this amazing, unique conference and be a part of a global effort to end violence against women. Who Should Come? Grassroots activists and advocates who work with victims of violence in safe spaces, such as shelters, refuges, transition homes, and women's centers. Organizations that support advocates and shelters. Activists interested in the intersection of violence against women and safe spaces for women. Sign Up for ...

Ohio gov. signs dating violence protection bill Associated Press - March 18, 2010 7:55 AM ET COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) - A mother says she hopes a new Ohio law will protect other teens from the fate met by her daughter, killed by an ex-boyfriend who had hurt the girl before. Cheryl Rucker was on hand at the Statehouse on Wednesday as Gov. Ted Strickland signed legislation allowing juvenile courts to issue orders of protection for minors in dating relationships. The new law has been nicknamed Shynerra's law, after Rucker's teenage daughter, Shynerra Grant of Toledo. Police say she was shot to death in 2005 by an abusive former boyfriend who killed himself later the same day. Rucker says if her daughter had been able to obtain an adult-style protection order she'd be alive today.

While I was unpacking I stumbled on a copy of last Springs On the Minds of Moms magazine. As I looked through I realized that this little magazine has made a major difference in my life and the lives of so many others. I want to send out a Thank you to Dani, Sheri, Ria and everyone on staff for all the work they do to make this a magazine something that helps others and shows the resiliency and generosity of women. My husband suggested that I share my article on the blog since the hard copy touched so many. He has scanned it in so you could read it if you like. Just click each picture for a larger copy of the page. It continues to be my hope that sharing my experiences others will find the courage to end the silence and share theirs. Because only by speaking out and saying e we will not tolerate abuse in our homes anymore will we ever put an end to the best kept secret in our homes. * All pictures by Ria Lee Photography