RACC Volunteer Apperication dinner

With Greg, the executive director of the RACC

On April 16 I had the opportunity to speak at the Fargo Moorhead Rape and Abuse Crisis Center Volunteer Appreciation Dinner. It was an opportunity to thank the NUMEROUS volunteers for all the hard work they do to help the victims of Rape and Abuse.

The evening was and emotional but empowering evening for me. Sharing my poetry was difficult but actually speaking about my experiences was even more difficult than I imagined. I was under the impression that the past year was all about helping others but have found that I have grown far more than I could possible imagine as I have taken strides in speaking out about my own experience. For that I have Greg, Lynn, Nancy and so many others at the RACC to thank. I did not have the benefit of a Rape and Abuse Center when my wounds were fresh but their help and support has been invaluable despite the years past. I hope the volunteers were able to hear some of the gratitude that I and so many others have for them and their efforts.

Speaking at the Dinner

Below are a few of the thoughts I shared at the dinner. I'm not posting the speech its entirety b/c the speech was 9 pages long but I think you'll get the idea from what is posted. Please be forewarned that some of the things mentioned are not happy. But were necessary to share my story.

I love to read! I crave a good book, a good story the way some people crave chocolate or caffeine. I love the twist and turns and ultimately the happily ever after.
As a child I was obsessed with fairy tales, new or old it didn’t matter. Even as a teen the tales of Belle, Cinderella, and Snow White haunted me. I wanted to be the princess. I craved what they had. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t interested in the crown and dresses; nor did I crave the hard life, pain or indefinitely long naps. I wanted the prince, the castle & the stability that they, in my mind, represented.

I grew up ARMY and moved constantly. I considered myself lucky if I was able to finish out an entire school year before packing up and heading elsewhere. Between 5th grade and graduation I attended 12 different schools.

I met David while waitressing my way through college at the local greasy spoon. I learned on our first date that he had never moved. His family had been living on the same farmstead for nearly 40 years. All his siblings lived within 20 minutes of his parents and returned home for every holiday to the same rooms they had occupied as kids. His parents were living my dream and this charming, handsome man was standing before me professing his desire for the same thing. So when he proposed in April of 1994, I said yes. I’d found my dream and on June 25, 1994, 2 months shy of my 19 birthday, one year of college finished, I married him in my parent’s living room.

Five days after our wedding, I started learning the reality of the words in Robert Louis Stevenson’s novel Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde “All human beings… are commingled out of good and evil”. That was the day Price Charming started showing signs of becoming Mr. Hyde. That was the day I started wondering who I would wake up to face each day.

It took him less than thirty seconds to cross to the foyer, come back with the money, hand me a ten and five and say “that is your allowance now. I want you to give me your money each evening as you come in. I’ll give you money for groceries and put gas in your car each week. 15 should be plenty for lunches, if you need something else come ask me. Oh! And if you take anything off the top I’ll know so don’t try to pull anything over on me.”

Three Days later he raped me. My 15 year old sister and 16 year old cousin were in the other room, getting ready for the family picnic we would attend 2 hours later. “Don’t fight me,” he said “you wouldn’t want either of those girls to knock on the door or come in right now.” He then proceeded to tell me it wasn’t rape b/c we’re married and wives can’t tell their husband’s no. He then helped me up, told me what to wear and we went to the picnic. I smiled as if nothing had happened. I became good at, smiling like nothing had happened, very quickly.

On July 20 I learned he was following me to work. July 15, he drop kicked my puppy out the front door the same puppy he bought me as a wedding gift. August 7, I met his gun when I arrived home late from work because a wedding party rehearsal dinner had taken longer to clean up than anticipated. August 26, he tore the phone from the wall and threw it out our front door because he had to get a ride home from work. September 2, I learned I was pregnant.
September 13, he started keeping my allowance from me. September 18, He left my only visible scar on my arm by burning me with a cookie sheet b/c the pizza I'd made for dinner had burned while he raped me in our bedroom.

I left on September 27. September 29 David showed up at my house flowers in hand, apologized and promised to change. I went back on October 1. Prince charming returned for a week.

October 31, sitting in speech class I made the decision to leave. I met my parents at the hair salon my mom was at getting her hair done, filled them in on an overview of the details, cut my hair off, went home and announced I was leaving. I’ll never forget the look on his face as I walked past him. He was working nights that week and I had to remind him he was going to be late for work. November 1, 1994, at 6:30 in the morning I left for good. I had one suitcase, a backpack with my school books and my pregnancy.

I feel there are 2 major realizations in the life of a rape or abuse victim. The first usually comes when they look in the mirror for the first time and realize that they will NEVER be the same again. It can come during or after the abuse. It is the realization that they will never look at or experience life in the same manner that they did before the rape or abuse happened. That first realization is terrifying.

The second realization, often comes after they leave, it is when they realize that although they may never be the same again, they will be ok. That life will go on and they can, if they choose, become stronger because of the experiences they have lived.

It is because of organizations like the Rape and Abuse Crisis center and volunteers like you that so many come to that second realization. I am here today because of my love for my child and God’s Grace. My parents although supportive still only know the generalist of outlines of what happened. I didn’t feel I could burden them with the details and so I buried it as best I could and moved on. But the women and children of Fargo/ Moorhead don’t have to bury the hurt. They don’t have to go it alone. They have you!, amazing volunteers with generous hearts who give of their time, means and emotions to help them discover their inner strength, rediscover their voice and forge their path forward.

I am a firm believer in the power of one’s voice. I believe there is strength in it and I KNOW there is healing in finding and using it. But I also know that the rediscovery of one’s voice is not a solo venture. It took me more than 10 years to find mine again. 10 years to start looking people in the eye again and to discover the power I had in speaking out loud about my experience and it happened because of the support of my family, friends and a fantastic creative writing professor that pushed me when I wasn’t certain I had the strength to dive into those waters. She consistently told me “you are stronger than you think you are and you owe it to yourself and your readers to dig deeper.”

But waiting ten years to deal with the damage of abuse is not ideal and thankfully the women and children of this area don’t have to because of you! You are that professor for those that come to the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center. You are their cheerleader, their confidante and friend. You remind them that they owe it to themselves to dig deeper and remind them that they are far stronger than they realize. It is because of you that we are HERE tonight, in every sense of the word.
The Rape and Abuse Crisis Center cannot do what it does without you. The victims cannot do what they do without you and for that we Honor you but most of all we THANK YOU! We thank you for helping us discover life after rape, life after abuse and most of all for helping us discover the strength to embrace it. THANK YOU!! THANK YOU! and May God Bless you for all you do!

Kaylee an AMAZING young survivior

My supportive and fantastic husband!
I couldn't do this without his love and support!
He amazes me!