Milestones
I like to celebrate. Birthdays, anniversaries, milestones of all kinds. If there is a reason to make and eat cake I believe it should be done but there is one anniversary/milestone that is fast approaching that I always struggle with.
In less then a month, June 25 to be exact, the 16th anniversary of my first marriage will be upon me. I know many would look on this day with anger, heartache and pain and I'd be lying if I said those feeling never cross my heart and mind. But I'd also be lying if I didn't admit that feelings of relief, love and gratitude cross my mind and heart as well.
It is the latter feelings that have been dancing in my mind as of late. It started a couple weeks ago when someone asked me if I regretted marrying my ex-husband. Mr. Boy had just celebrated his 15 birthday and I was reflecting on what a blessing he is in our lives. His humor, his candor and his laugh are just a few of the things I sincerely love about him and I couldn't help but wonder if I regretted my marriage wouldn't I be regretting his existence?
See, I believe God has a plan for each of our lives and when we throw a wrench into that plan with the choices that we make he works with whatever we give him to make us better and stronger. I know he will, if we give him the chance, turn all our trials into growing experiences for us. I know this b/c it has happened in my life. I have grown in ways I can't even put into words b/c of the experiences I had as an abuse victim. I am stronger, more compassionate. more loving and more tolerate of those around me b/c of where I have been. I am able to see needs and help others in way I wouldn't otherwise be able to b/c of the path I have walked and sometimes crawled. But most of all I am a mom to an amazing young man who is loving, compassionate, candid and has a real zest for life and for that my heart overflows with gratitude. Would I wish my experiences on anyone else no but would I trade them for what I have gained? Not on your life. Don't get me wrong NO ONE should have to live in fear for their life or the lives of their children Nor should they suffer hurt and harm at the words or hands of someone who has promised to love and cherish them. I thank the Lord everyday that Mr. Boy and I are alive and free from the abuse that took place but I don't believe in regrets. To look back on life and wish it is a way is useless and I find it far more fulfilling to live with an attitude of gratitude and celebrate the milestones then it is to throw a pity party. That doesn't mean the hurt never creeps up and catches me off guard, it doesn't mean the baggage doesn't get heavy it just means I'm getting better at working through it or using the wheels on the rolling luggage I've put it in and when I can't do it alone anymore I've been blessed amazing people in my life to help me pull it along b/c sometimes it gets to be too much. People who love me, make me stronger and remind of who I am and what I can do. Isn't that amazing? I'm not alone.... no one is if they reach other and let others in. Although I am sure it was unintentional these are the gifts my abuser has given me or at least helped me find; family, friends, faith, love, support, strengthen, charity, humor, confidence and optimism in spades. What more could I ask for?
In less then a month, June 25 to be exact, the 16th anniversary of my first marriage will be upon me. I know many would look on this day with anger, heartache and pain and I'd be lying if I said those feeling never cross my heart and mind. But I'd also be lying if I didn't admit that feelings of relief, love and gratitude cross my mind and heart as well.
It is the latter feelings that have been dancing in my mind as of late. It started a couple weeks ago when someone asked me if I regretted marrying my ex-husband. Mr. Boy had just celebrated his 15 birthday and I was reflecting on what a blessing he is in our lives. His humor, his candor and his laugh are just a few of the things I sincerely love about him and I couldn't help but wonder if I regretted my marriage wouldn't I be regretting his existence?
See, I believe God has a plan for each of our lives and when we throw a wrench into that plan with the choices that we make he works with whatever we give him to make us better and stronger. I know he will, if we give him the chance, turn all our trials into growing experiences for us. I know this b/c it has happened in my life. I have grown in ways I can't even put into words b/c of the experiences I had as an abuse victim. I am stronger, more compassionate. more loving and more tolerate of those around me b/c of where I have been. I am able to see needs and help others in way I wouldn't otherwise be able to b/c of the path I have walked and sometimes crawled. But most of all I am a mom to an amazing young man who is loving, compassionate, candid and has a real zest for life and for that my heart overflows with gratitude. Would I wish my experiences on anyone else no but would I trade them for what I have gained? Not on your life. Don't get me wrong NO ONE should have to live in fear for their life or the lives of their children Nor should they suffer hurt and harm at the words or hands of someone who has promised to love and cherish them. I thank the Lord everyday that Mr. Boy and I are alive and free from the abuse that took place but I don't believe in regrets. To look back on life and wish it is a way is useless and I find it far more fulfilling to live with an attitude of gratitude and celebrate the milestones then it is to throw a pity party. That doesn't mean the hurt never creeps up and catches me off guard, it doesn't mean the baggage doesn't get heavy it just means I'm getting better at working through it or using the wheels on the rolling luggage I've put it in and when I can't do it alone anymore I've been blessed amazing people in my life to help me pull it along b/c sometimes it gets to be too much. People who love me, make me stronger and remind of who I am and what I can do. Isn't that amazing? I'm not alone.... no one is if they reach other and let others in. Although I am sure it was unintentional these are the gifts my abuser has given me or at least helped me find; family, friends, faith, love, support, strengthen, charity, humor, confidence and optimism in spades. What more could I ask for?
Now who wants cake? I've got things to celebrate!
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