SPEAK and Love is Not Abuse
On Monday September 13, 2010 I had the opportunity to present the Love is Not Abuse (LINA) Dating Violence Curriculum to the 10th grade Honors English Classes. It was the first time the curriculum has been presented in Ohio and one of the first to present the revised edition, which includes information on digital dating abuse, in the nation.All of which was very exciting and nerve wracking. Some might think the idea of talking dating abuse with 100 teenagers would be the most difficult part but that wasn't the case, the most difficult part was not presenting the material as much as it was condensing the material.
The curriculum is set up to be 4 to 5, 50 minute classes covering all aspects of Dating Violence. It covers what it is, the warning signs, helps for victims and abusers and has 2 classes on digital dating violence including sexting. I, however, only had 50 minutes (one class period) to present the material.
It took me more then a week to study each section and condense the material down so that 5, 50 minute classes became 1, 50 minute presentation. My goal was to keep it as discussion based as possible b/c we need everyone to become comfortable talking about dating and domestic violence.
We had a great springboard for the discussion b/c the classes had just finished reading the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. If you haven't read it, read it! It is a powerful story about a young woman who is raped at a party and what not speaking about it did to her life.
B/c they had just finished reading this book I used the characters from it to help define terms like Target (aka victim), Abuser and Bystander and the response was great. I find often times if I can talk about fictional characters to break the ice that teens, especially, will engage b/c it doesn't hit as close to home. It OK to talk about someone else, someone who isn't real, as long as it isn't me or my friends but regardless the information is in their heads and will make them think somewhere down the road. Once I had them thinking in those terms I was then able to ask them to think about what term or terms might define them and then I told them which term defined me when I was in high school.
For almost 2 years I was abused verbally, emotionally and sexually by my high school boyfriend. No one knew, including me, b/c abuse wasn't discussed. So I had no idea that put downs, dictating what I would and would not wear, stalking, screaming at me and pushing me to do things I wasn't ready to do was abuse and from the looks on their faces neither did many of the students I spoke to.
I had three goals going into this presentation. The first, was to get them to stop, look and think about their personal relationships and those around them. Are they healthy? Are they suffocating? Are they allowing you to be true to yourself or are they asking you to change, keep secrets or live in fear.I needed them to see that just b/c your boyfriend or girlfriend never hits you doesn't mean the relationship is healthy
The second, was to give them the tools they need to escape if they are in an unhealthy and/or dangerous relationship and finally my third goal was to start a dialogue.
All things considered it went OK and I did manage to hit all the major points but I have to admit I felt like we needed more time. More time to talk, more time to share and more time to listen. The biggest thing abusers have going for them is silence and until break the silence surrounding relationship violence they will continue to have the upper hand. This was one of many steps that will hopefully chip away at the wall of silence and fear surrounding victims and the topic of relationship violence. Hopefully it was the first of many conversations to come. As Dr. Phil says I'm ending the silence on domestic (and dating) violence... are you?
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